Struggling with Inner demons -Inferiority Complex

Ah finally i got enough guts to write on my blog about this issue which probably in my mind, soul and i dnt know since how long may be from the time i was a kid. I want to thank that one good soul whom i met 2 yrs back who helped me healing it. Thanks di you bestow my confidence and made me so strong and helped me over come my insecurities and specially inferiority  complex.

No body is perfect, we all come in different shape and size. I was born and brought up by in a middle class family. I have amazing family who sacrifices and loves each other alot. I belong to a Muslim family from north east.

When we say about Muslim families there is set of  things comes in every person mind like the non veg food, Biryani and specially the girls for their good looks.I was born in a Muslim family   but unfortunately with a wheatish skin color compared to my cousins who are like really pretty and fair skinned. Let me be more specific in India fair looking girls are always been preferred over a dark skinned one be in terms of  marriage proposals,work, auditions.

You know why those commercials about fairness creams work and products get sold because its the Typical racist mindset we have  in our mind that a fair looking person will be a good person then the one with a  dark skin. How can you judge someone basis the skin color probably which is because of the genetic synopsis not because they choose.

I had my child hood memories where i was a clown in functions because of my dark skin and also there were events when i was a good dancer but i was always kept like aside dancer solely because of my skin color and the fairer girl is made to stand in the middle. I knew the reasons but i dint have the guts to face and be vocal about it. So what i did next you know this was during my class 6th i was a very timid, low profile kind of girl who doesn’t talk much with people and had a very limited set of 3 friends in school there was a small incident which happened which changed me as a complete different person and i can never forget that incident and today i really thank my that one friend who instigated the whole thing. I came home crying that day because i as made fun of and blamed for certain things which i never did the reason you know why i was blamed solely because of my complexion i dnt know what people think if someone is dark skinned they are bad and its been related to unholiness kind of thing. I respect and inspired by Priyanka Chopra whenever i am low her movie FASHION really makes me feel so inspired not because it talks about a journey but it also portrays the real life journey of her how from a middle class family where her relatives use to make fun of her skin color and which got her self esteem low and how she worked on it and today is one of the best actresses on whose brands are sold.

So that one incident in 6th standard made me go so low and i wrote in my diary that time i am gonna change myself and so strong  i will become that never in life anybody can blame me for anything. I started working hard on my core strengths and that was on my confidence and my brain i  had a good memory and then i focussed myself on studies ad i saw the sea change when i started scoring highest in my class. Table turned i started getting attention from my teachers and classmatesI remember how my class topper guy who never bother to even know my name came running to e asking hey help me in sanskrit you always get full marks. This boosted my confidence and then i focused on my core strengths the looks and the skin things took a back set now. Al tough i let my passion for dance also take a back seat.. I started checking my other areas where i am good and then i became a badminton champion,a good chess player and an amazing cycle racer. Nobody in my colony could beat me in this because i ensured to make myself so strong that nobody ever realized that i also has an inferiority complex. To overcome your weaknesses you need to find your core strengths and to showcase it.

I became a rebel at some point of time in school this happened because at times i had to hide my insecurity but many took that as my arrogance but little did they know it wasn’t  my arrogance it was the battle i was having within myself which i never wanted to showcase to anyone.

2004 ,the time i can never forget. this was the year which gave birth to the nomenclature of Sana . Yes you read it correctly This was the year when i met these bunch of amazing friends of mine Ashu , ADI(CHIKU), JIAA,ABU,KUNAL, VISHAL,KAMYA., SAMEERA. how much ever i want to thank you guys i probably cant ever repay the gratitude.

We form the gang “SPARTANS” and my passion was back in action but not as a side dancer but as a Lead dancer. We did extreme amount of shows i still remember while iw as very hesitant to be the lead because of my inferior complexity but the way you guys boosted and got the confidence well there was no looking back.I get so charged up and tears literally roll down  my cheeks when i think of our those moments I so much miss that gang and i really love u guys so much which i cnt forget this was the best thing probably god ever gifted me.Being with you guys gave a different direction to me i became a talkative person i became someone who just speaks her mind and no fear to try something new.  There is a saying we all meet people in life for a purpose some to give you lessons and some as blessings. For me i always thank to all the people i met for me they all had been blessings in terms of teaching me valuable lessons of life.

So we are  in India and how can i not forget we can get digitalis ed and things but people mindset is something we cnt change. After a lot of push from my gang  i went to give auditions for a VJ Hunt in the year 2006 as i was confident i am a good speaker and have a good sense of humor i can easily get through. well i cleared the first round and i was rejected in the second you know the reason said to me was  you are talented but you lack good looks. I dint say anything i just came out of the place ran the maximum i could and then i reached a place and started crying loudly as much as i could because i was hurt this look things again surfaced. this is something i cnt do anything about i really cnt change it its god gifted i dint choose it because of my own. I was upset for a long time and then i moved on. I focused in my studies.

I met someone and felt an amazing connection  the first time when we shared our pictures i was rejected like he stopped calling and answering my calls after 7 days i literally pushed him to answer and he said to me dnt you know the reason i am avoiding you i said no i dnt know he said me you not good looking and my mom wont accept you. I got a shock like does  unconditional love, care ,loyalty and commitment plays a side role in front of looks??

Well again another hit on my heart i kept the phone went in my shell and then i avoided later he came back apologized. But deep inside the hurt which he gave is just beyond control i never expressed it to him ever but i always asked god why you did this to me. You know these small things really come as  a bump in life and rather let u know to do a self analysis. I have probably many such incidents where someone betrayed me for another girl and  stated  he lost interest in me because i am boring and i am not good looking enough to fight against his family this happened some 8 yrs ago.

I decided then let me never entertain any such  person in life who cnt accept the way i am. In life we all have issues and insecurities may be trust issues, commitment issues but its about how we tackle them. Just because someone doesnt have a control on the physical attributes you cnt judge that person to be in your bad books or discriminate. That person also has a heart and emotions and it hurts trust me it hurts.I was avoiding my marriage talks till like 2016 the reason was my fear to face the same issues because somewhere deep inside me i know i will be rejected by guys for my looks. I was pushed forward by my friends and family and i enrolled for the matrimony services just to meet guys and you know to get rejected, few dint have the guts to say directly on my face that why they rejecting but i always felt it was because of my looks probably few  rejected me for being ambitious and few felt m independent. I fail to understand one think with age your beauty fades right are these things only written in books why not people appreciate someone for what they are why it is so much to do with you looks, height, weight. I agree personality is required and each of us should groom ourselves but what about the basic criteria and nature. You fall in love and marry the most beautiful girl in the world what if tomorrow things doesn’t work out like she cnt handle your family and chance she may go to someone else as the most beautiful person do get attraction and i have seen people in my college girls and guys who literally play with people because they are attractive they get attention by default.

When i think of all this the solution i felt is no point of thinking deep on this those who love u they love and accept you the way you are and who is meant for you will adore and respect you the way you are. I believe we should focus on our inner core strengths and things we love to do and know our self worth and leave those who doesn’t value you and your core strengths. donot let someone treat you like a  door mat. Embrace yourself, love yourself so much that you dnt need a third person sticker to define who you are. when you know your self worthiness you will know what you deserve and the right one will not leave you with any lame excuse. I made myself clear to always  focus in my life and my priorities and things which help in my self growth then thinking on anything else.

Mantra: Love yourself because its you who makes your world beautiful dont go by what society wants. Live your life in your terms !!!


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *