Well.. been a while to probably discuss on this topic for a while.
Secluding yourself from the one you have a deep connection isnt easy. I use to wonder about people whom i use to see in hospitals who are lying on the ventilator for like months. It reminds me of my own granny who was paralysed for 14yrs and who breathed last on 2008 15december. How awful and difficult it was for her. She couldn’t get up from bed her left side was completely damaged. My uncle and aunty use to take care for from feeding to changing her clothes.
At times she doesnt have control on her own body and often pass out on bed.
I remember when I saw sitting next to my grandfather on the hospital bed when he was mistreated and a wrong treatment lead to his death in 2004.. While I sat their next to him on his last day. Everyone around were crying.
I was a teenager who has not much clue why so much attachment people have with others.
Then comes my cousin the closest whom i lost during my 10th class. I still couldn’t believe he was just 27 and 10 days ago we just had a family get together and post 10days i get to know he expired. Whenever I think it takes me back to my memory lane where I saw him covered in white clothes lying at one side of the house.How my sister in law and her 1 year old were crying.
I use to feel bad when they left, but after a while we all get busy with our own lives and forget them. May be recall them on their bday’s and death anniversary probably will pay alms or do some prayer at home.
Often when I use to see people in hospital i use to wonder man how can these people have so much of patience to come everyday to hospital and not better be at home and think of things in life. Often when we let go of people we actually realize their value or worth and then we say. Damn we wish they were here.
I missed the most are these three people who were so close to me. I lost my aunty and another cousin last year didnt impacted me much. I didnt get tears at all. Everyone felt I am emotionless, I dnt value relationship etc. I didnt give a nudge.
I wonder what was going with me then. Probably I learnt to deal with emotions. I still remember how overwhelmed i feel when my emotions takes a ride for me.
I never wanted to visit hospitals so much , to get those bloody pricking injection in my soft skin, I hated the pain I was in.
I hated to be socially drifted away from everyone, i didnt call for it but then God had much higher plan for me in some or other way. I never played with anybody’s emotions and I couldn’t i agree I made mistakes. who doesnt isnt it obvious that we make mistakes and learn from it and then grow up the curve of life.
I made mistakes, I hurt many because of my immature attitude and I thought it was all about me, my life, my attitude. Arrogance, being defensive almost everything was in me. I repressed all those deep wounds which hurt me lot be not been accepted socially because of my looks,be betrayed by many. My trust was played. I m one hell of a loyal person whose loyalty can never been doubted.I was ridiculed constantly, betrayed, back stabbed, cheated upon lied, left to face things all alone. Broken into pieces many pieces.
I tried to take all of the pieces and then make it again. I wore a veil in form of my arrogance and defensive attitude to showcase to the world how strong I am. Inside me there stayed the lil sana. the one who craved for genuine love, care, who still believed in fairytale stories that their is an alpha made for her.
I never thought my life is coming to an end so soon at such a tender age. The age at which people start to achieve their own dreams, goals, start a family. I was struggling within my own self, with my this illness.
My illness didnt let me to be at peace since 6 months. My panic attacks in mid of the day lead me to cry, crumble. I didnt have the guts to even tell what I am going through to my own family members. I looked like the rough and tough person. I am dying almost everyday, I hate taking those injections and medicines. My body is losing weight tremendously. My chubbiness went. My dark circles appeared which i hide with my eye liner. Chasing life that season changed my whole prospect about life. I started living the way leo said.
Whenever you are knowing you are nearing dnt run or play the role of a victim. Indeed face it bravely, dnt be defensive be humble and assertive. You will see the change around. Life is not bad, value it. Ask me the importance of time and people. I never felt so connected to my family in last so many years the way I am connected now.I hug my parents everyday and in solitude i really wonder. How will they react when they will know the reality? I sometime wonder who will be the ones who will cry and come for my funeral?.
I know there is this one guy who will come being a doctor, he also cnt save me. My time is running at a high speed. I am running short I am trying to tick and clear all my bucket list the sooner I can.
I went ahead apologised to every individual whom I have hurt in life. I felt good a sense of lightness came making me feel good and happiness. I forgave those who hurt me also. My life took a complete U turn in these 6 months. The changes i got in myself and the way I see things in life is different. I ran for money, people, career. But today nothing served me. All it served me is my own self , my lookout of life changed.
Life is what you make it in every day and see their is light at the end of tunnel. Never give up soon on anything.
Lets make the world a brighter place. Be humble, show gratitude and love to the people you meet. You never know whats next in your life.